The Pun Also Rises(as seen in the North Adams Transcript)
"Computing For Babies"Babies, as a rule, are easily amused. For example, were you to present a baby with a large box filled with random things, the baby would probably attempt to eat them all. But it would also enjoy randomly taking everything out of the box and throwing it all over the floor. Conversely, when presented with an empty box and various things, a baby will find it highly entertaining to put random things in the box (which may well include your car keys, wallet, cellphone, et cetera). In other words, since babies are of such limited intelligence, they derive pleasure from filling a box with random things, emptying it out to make space, adding more random things, and repeating this process endlessly. Of course, we grown-ups have the considerable wisdom that comes with age, and so instead of playing with boxes, we own computers. And I want to make it absolutely clear that what I do with my computer is completely and totally different than what babies do. Okay, sure, technically, I realize that what I'm doing is alternately filling and emptying my giant computer box with data. But there are very good reasons for this. When your computer has a connection to the Internet, there is an infinite world of things available for your pleasure. This is an absolutely terrifying concept. If you've ever been shopping with a certain type of person (by which I mean, the female type) (unless you're offended by that, in which case I mean my mom) (unless you're my mom, in which case I STILL mean you, because a blind and deaf quadriplegic could successfully purchase three shopping carts full of groceries faster than you could buy a gallon of milk and a loaf of bread) (although I love you anyway), then you know that shopping can take a while. Now imagine a store with a poor layout, two hundred million aisles, and every item on sale, many at 100% off. This is the Internet. And my computer is a big, mostly-empty box, with lots of room for all the free shiny toys being given away. Games! Puzzles! Wallpapers! Screensavers! MP3s! MP4s! NE1s! There is so much cool stuff just waiting and it can all be mine oh my god i have to download it all onto my computer right now aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!! Three hours later, I've forgotten whatever it was that I was supposed to be doing this evening (like, say, writing my column), and am busy testing all my new finds like a dragon caressing his hoard of e-treasure. Looking at all the pretty screensavers, listening to all of the new music, and most importantly, playing a few levels of every single new game. (Sokoban!) Okay, sometimes more than a few levels. (Zuma!) Okay, sometimes until four in the morning. (Tetris!) Two weeks later, I'll notice that I have only seven megs of free space on my computer, and immediately think, "I'm hungry." But frequently I'll also follow that thought with, "Geez, I've got to delete some of this stuff!" So, I scour my computer for anything non-essential (games, puzzles, wallpapers, screensavers, mp3s, windowsXP) and delete it all to make room. And it feels great - each deleted file makes the "X megs free" count rise, thus offering a quantifiable way to measure my success as a person. I only had 7 megs free, and now I have 205 megs free? I have indisputably improved my life by 198 megs. How often can you get such a great numerical representation of your progress in such a short time? Anyway, the huge rush I get from deleting files eventually fades, and with so much space now on my computer, it's time to download more random programs. And then delete them. So I guess you could say that we're just filling and emptying the data box with random e-toys. But we're still smarter than babies because we like more complex toys and cerebral games; for example, I could never delete Sokoban or Tetris. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go play with blocks. ________________
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