The Pun Also Rises(as seen in the North Adams Transcript)
"Back To School Tips"Hey Kids! It's your crazy Uncle Seth here to give you some tips on school. I know you just recently went back, so obviously you need my help, because if you knew what you were doing you wouldn't have had to go back and learn more, would you? No, you wouldn't. But since you're back in school, you obviously need my help. And after spending twelve years in seventh grade, I think I know more about school than anyone else. Here's a few pieces of great advice that I've picked up during all my time in school. Just pay attention to this, and you'll be as smart as if you spent twelve years in seventh grade too! * Especially in younger grades, you'll have to write essays about what you did during summer vacation. Don't wait until school starts; write the essay over summer vacation. As an added bonus, you can use that as your topic, since you'll have written the essay over summer vacation. You can say things like, "In early July, I wrote this paragraph. A few days later, I wrote this sentence." It practically writes itself. * Ask your economics teacher, "If you know so much about economics, why aren't you rich?" * Keep lots of food in your locker, and ideally, install a wireless network and leave a laptop in there as well. That way, if a bully throws you in your locker and locks you in, you'll have everything you need to stay there all day. You can even save money if you share the cost of the wireless network with other friends who will want laptops in their lockers, and then chat online with each other from your lockers. It's like having a studio apartment in New York, only less expensive. * Steal dry ice and liquid nitrogen from chemistry class to carry around, so you can hang out with the cool kids. * Don't buy rectangular trigonometry books. Trigonometry is the study of triangles, so you should only buy books that are triangle shapes. After all, you wouldn't go to a mechanic who didn't have his own car, would you? If you've already bought your book and it's the wrong shape, just bring it to shop class and fix it. * Sit in the middle of the hallway and stare at the floor. If someone asks what you're doing, point to the floor and say, "Study Hall." * Studies show that highschool students suffer from back strain caused by carrying heavy books around in their backpacks. Never use a backpack; always carry all of your books on your head. This has the added bonus that knowledge will stop leaking out the top of your head. Maybe some will even leak in. * If you dislike a fellow student, accuse them of plagiarism and tell a teacher or professor, "Every word in his paper was stolen from the same book!" When the teacher asks for proof, show them a dictionary. * Most importantly, don't bother with history. It's a completely useless class, because it's all in the past. If for some reason you do take history, don't waste money on a book. Just staple some newspapers together; they'll be history soon enough. If you're taking Australian history, be sure to hold your book upside down. If you're taking Chinese history, be warned that an hour after memorizing it, you'll forget. Hopefully these tips will help you get the most out of your education. Especially if you're at public school, because then the state pays for your education, so it's like it's free! What a deal! You'd be crazy not to spend as many years there as possible. If all you kids just follow this advice, we'll be able to make great progress in our education system. Back in the year 2000, President George W. Bush asked the immortal question, "Is our children learning?" Today, you kids, the youth of America can answer him, confidently, with one word: Whatever. ___________________________________ All work on this page is copyright Seth Brown. If you are sharing it, please give attribution. If you want to reprint it, please contact me first. |