The Pun Also Rises(as seen in the North Adams Transcript)
"1-800-AMISH"Sometimes, the Amish make a lot of sense. I know, you're thinking, "I've already got plenty of quilts and cheese," but hear me out. While people oft confuse them with Luddites who attack all technology with hammers, the Amish actually have a fairly interesting view of technology: They only attack some of it with hammers. Before adopting any piece of technology, be it something as simple as the button or as complex as the electro-magnetic automated button-robot, the Amish decide as a large community whether the new technology will bring people together or drive them apart. If they don't like the effect that said technology would have on their community and lifestyle, then it is not adopted. (If a technology is adopted, they don't tell it until it grows up, so it doesn't feel estranged from the family.) But what would happen if we made the same careful considerations before adopting any new technology? I think it would be fascinating to evaluate each new thing before we allowed it into our society. I'm no technophobe; I love my computer, and am more addicted to the Internet than Tom Cruise is addicted to being insane. However, there are certain items that I would make an impassioned plea to keep away from our society. And by "certain items," I mean cell phones. I hate cell phones. I hate them a lot. I really, really, really hate cell phones to an extent that is difficult to explain. Imagine a man who steals candy from your children, kicks your dog, and then pushes your grandmother down the stairs. I hate cell phones even more than I hate that man. (Of course, if that man has a cell phone, let's just agree to kill him.) Like most people, I dislike when cell phones interrupt my enjoyment of an event. Say you go to the movies, and right when Lord Voldemort is about to reveal his evil plot to Frodo Baggins (1. Be evil. 2. Kill all the good people. 3. Continue being evil.), you hear a loud ring. And all the millions of dollars that the studio put into musical score and special effects to completely immerse you in the movie-viewing experience have just all gone to waste because some idiot had to bring his cell phone. (Or her cell phone; I wouldn't want to be biased.) Sometimes you can't tell where it's coming from, because cell phones are small enough these days that they can fit up your left nostril. But you can tell when the person answers the phone, and it always starts the same way: "Hi! ... Nothing much, I'm just at the movies." Presuming that the person on the other end of the line asked, "What are you up to?" a more appropriate response might be, "Nothing much, I'm just being as inconsiderate as possible to other people who paid to see the movie ... Yeah, I paid, too, but I don't really want to watch the film, I'd rather just talk really loudly to you." My friends all have cell phones, too, and it's just as irritating. I'll make plans to hang out with a friend, and just as we're halfway through a hand of cards, her phone will ring. "Hi! ... Nothing much, I'm just at Seth's." And even my family members all have cell phones, which they'll loudly use in the middle of a restaurant to disrupt everyone else's meal. When people are visiting me, I expect to converse with them -- which is why I carry out the other half of their conversation whenever they talk on the phone while I'm present. When they say "Hello!" I say, "Hi!" When they say "Really?" I say, "Yes, I really shot him." This helps me derive enjoyment from an otherwise irritating situation. But the fact remains, cell phones are a blight on society. And while I might expect that my friends and family would be unable to resist the allure of technology, at least I know that the Amish would never use cell phones because they'd have considered all the drawbacks, right? Wrong. While the button may have been deemed too dangerous to adopt, many Amish are now using cell phones -- which have many buttons. Sometimes, the Amish don't make any sense. ____________________
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