I don’t necessarily know a lot, but I know myself. Which is how I knew even though I was hyped for a Better New Year in 2021, and told myself I’d get out and walk every day, it turns out I was just celebrating Internal Halloween. The proof is now in the pudding, which I am eating inside instead of walking about in weather with a windchill below zero. Fahrenheit*.

In spite of a busy month, I’ve found time for the occasional game**, but between not getting out to see friends or attend poetry/comedy mics, the past year basically felt like a tread water where I didn’t accomplish much. Then again, as I recently told a friend, I did accomplish neither catching nor spreading COVID-19 so far, which had been my main goal for at least the back half of the year. So I’ll claim victory in that, and bid you all continued good luck in same.

*But Unfairintemp.

**Genshin, Ascension, One more I shouldn’t mention ***

***Ok, it’s Food Or Not.

A phrase I often say after a string of non-successes, and pretty much how I’m feeling heading into 2021. It has certainly not been the best of years. Global pandemic health crisis, personal stomach health crisis, national political crisis… at least I’ve already taken care of my existential crisis long ago, and I won*.

I haven’t even been playing any boardgames of late to share here. I can share a couple recent columns about trying to find a job during the apocalypse, or how I spent 2020 Being a Homebody, but most of my writing these days is ghostwriting.

But in the spirit of the new year, I once again want to share my favorite New Year’s song from 11 years ago**, on which I have the final verse: Keep All Your Promises.

Bidding us all a better 2021 – stay healthy and try not to be a virus vector!

* Turns out the secret was just accepting existentialism as a positive instead of a negative, that if there’s no purpose to life I don’t owe the world achievement, only kindness. So, enjoy yourself, be kind. A reasonable bar for life, and not a bad resolution for 2021.

**By which I mean, my favorite new years song bar none, which also happens to be from 11 years ago. Although it is a fortiori*** my favorite song from 11 years ago that is a new years song.

***Definitely my favorite. Maybe even a fiftiori****

****I’m pretty sure that joke doesn’t work and is disappointing, but as my last joke of 2020, it seems appropriate. Maybe it’ll be funnier in hindsight. (insert your own last 2020 joke here.)

Traditionally a time where people are up to no good, and sure enough, there’s an election around the corner. I can’t imagine anyone reading this hasn’t already decided* their presidential vote, but since there is a downballot, I encourage everyone to vote for candidates who you believe have the best interests of every member of your community/state/country in mind (as mentioned last month).

Meanwhile, I think many of us are likely to need some comfort media to weather the inevitable storm of the coming weeks. I’ve been watching Netflix’s Street Food: Asia, a superbly charming documentary series where it’s easy to fall in love with its subjects and celebrate their successes. IMPORTANT: Be sure to order takeout from a local Asian restaurant to eat while watching this, or you will be sad.

On the video game front, I’ve been playing Genshin Impact, the free-to-play** gaming sensation sweeping the nation/world. It helps that the incredible musical score is performed by the London Philharmonic and Shanghai Symphony, making it a lovely escapist pleasure to listen to. But beware, for as I mention in my recent humor column, there’s also a Loot Box Impact.

Halloween is also the time for ghosts! So I’ve been doing some ghostwriting. I can’t share any details***, but I can say that after a string of happy high-profile clients, I can confidently say that if you know someone who needs to hire a ghostwriter, I should be the person you call.****

*Or cast. A good year for early voting, to be sure. And for spells, if you can cast any of those early.

**Albeit a very expensive free. My linked column explains in more detail.

***Okay, here’s some details: People paid me money to write things for them and not tell anyone about it.

**** When there’s somethin’ tough… that you need to say…
Who you gonna call?   GHOSTWRITER!
When there’s complex stuff… that you must convey…
Who you gonna call?  GHOSTWRITER!*****

*****Don’t actually call though. Send an email or something.

I just woke up from a nap. I do not normally take naps, but this morning we had people doing work on my roof at arse o’clock, and consequently I could count the hours of sleep I got on one hand without using all my fingers. Waking up from the nap did not change the world, but it did slightly renew me with energy to do the things I have to do today.

Today is also Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, making it a fine time for renewal. And also a fine time to buy my line-by-line rhyming version of the Torah, which makes a lovely gift or coffee table piece*. Like my nap, I don’t expect the new year to suddenly change the onslaught that has been 2020. But perhaps it can give people a little renewal to face the challenges ahead.

And the challenges of 2020 are many, even if I have tried to write about them in a funny way. Those with children rightfully wary of in-person classes may need to come up with their own homeschooling quizzes. All of us probably need help on how to talk to friends in 2020, because starting conversations the normal way is now terrible. And speaking of terrible, those minor issues pale in comparison to the steadily-creeping fascism of the current administration.

So please vote. Early in person or by mail. And I encourage and entreat you to ask yourself down the entire ballot, not just the presidential race, “Which of these candidates do I think will care about helping all of the people?”, and then vote for candidates who you personally deem more likely to do so. A simple rubric, but I figure if you read my blog, I trust your judgement.

*or small monitor stand, or you can kill a reasonably sized bug with it, or you can make a hat or a pterodactyl…

As mentioned last month, in spite of my many entertainment options, over the past few months I’ve been playing a lot of sudoku.* How addicted am I? I may have written a song about it. It’s a way to distract myself. I am pretty sure I’m not alone in alternating between trying to seek some escapism from our terrible world, and feeling like I need to say something or do something about our terrible world.

I realize that “Think globally, act locally” is more difficult when thinking even nationally is enough to send one into a depression spiral, but I don’t know, I didn’t expect** a deadly pandemic that America refused to fight, or proto-fascist paramilitary squads being sent to attack our own citizens. Yet here we are in 2020.

So take care of yourself. And take care of others, if you can.

*Also over the past few decades, I’ve been playing a lot of tsundoku.

**The fact that I can’t even find the joy to craft a Spanish Inquisition reference is probably a sign that 2020 is too depressing.

Usually around April I make a joke about how T.S. Eliot was wrong, but I think this year amidst all the Coronavirus shutdown, it is actually the cruelest month for once. It’s hard to not be constantly worrying about it, and I’m certainly not immune (ha) having written up both a Coronavirus FAQ and Coronavirus and Chill humor column. Most recently, I got a little personal with a column on Following your dreams.

My dream*, of course, was to be a writer. And with April being National Poetry Month, I’ve been writing. Perhaps more relevantly to you, I took the first few months of the year to submit a lot of poetry, and so April saw a few of my poems appearing in Verse Virtual, Sparks of Calliope, Reapparition Journal, and Ponder Savant. It has been nice to see some of my poetry elsewhere, although I still miss reading for the small crowd at my local poetry mic every month before the pandemic hit.

So, monthly poetry and comedy nights on hold, and weekly boardgame nights on hold. But I’ve been playing lots of boardgames with my partner, which I recommend for those of you self-isolating with someone you like. For those of you who are not so fortunate, videogames are also a tremendous balm in these troubled times, and I will say that my two absolute favorites, Warframe and Path of Exile, are both 100% free** to download and play on PC. And if you do end up playing one of those on my recommendation, feel free to drop me a line and I’ll hook you up with some free stuff from my stash in-game.

After all, the month could use a little less cruelty.

*Well, my metaphorical dream. Literally, my recent dream involved me visiting the “Museum of Haste”, where a moving walkway zipped me past the exhibits at 20 mph before slamming me into a wall. But I don’t think that’s anyone’s lifelong goal.

**And like, actually free for all content, not like mobile game 5 minutes free and pay to keep playing or MMO first dungeon free pay for access to the good stuff.

Usually, Daylight Savings Time spurs me to complain about time. But not today, Satan.* Today I’m feeling like I’ve pretty much mastered time.

Daylight Savings? I never changed my clocks since six months ago, so suddenly all of my clocks are correct again, with no effort on my part.

Leap Year? No problem. I’ve actually managed to acquire a transcript of the meeting that took place at the Time Institute, so my latest column explains why we have Leap Year. There may even be an Easter Egg in the column, if you’re a particularly detail-oriented Lord of Time.

And most excitingly, my poem “Chronomancy” is the featured piece in the latest issue of Red Planet Magazine — the feature rotates every issue, so go read my poem while it’s still available online!

Meanwhile, I hope you all stay healthy, wash your hands, and don’t lick too many doorknobs.

*Why complain about time to Satan? Well, he rules hell, and after Zeus killed the time god Khronos (who was also his dad! but to be fair, if you don’t want your kids to murder you, don’t eat them), he dragged Khronos’s remains to Tartarus, aka the underworld, so technically the remains of the time god are now under Satan’s dominion.

I have always had a love of portmeanteaux. Some might even call it an addiction.* I create new portmanteaux frequently, often to the chagrin of those around me. For nearly two decades now, I have been using “Probportunity”, which I would love to catch on in the common parlance. It has what are, to me, the two essential traits of a good portmanteau:

1) You know immediately upon reading or hearing it what two words it is combining, and why

2) The resultant portmanteau is useful in a situation which many people frequently encounter

Today I ended an email with the valediction “Thankspologies”, which I think is even more useful, because often I find myself in the situation of needing to express my appreciation for someone taking action that is only required due to an oversight I may have made. So feel free to start using that; I’d love for that one to catch on too.

Also, I should mention that last weekend I was awarded 2nd place Best Humor Columnist 2019 by the New England Newspaper and Press Association. A little over a decade ago, writing this same “The Pun Also Rises” column for a different newspaper, I also won 2nd place Best Humor Columnist from NENPA. So it’s possible I’ll have to accept that I’m just second-best.**

But that was last year. Maybe my latest column about romantic failure will be the best thing you read all day.

*I know, I should join a supportmanteau group.

**This may undercut my description of my writing as “second-to-none”. I wonder if potential freelance clients will be impressed if I say my writing is “third-to-none”?

…I should probably have updated sooner. I guess if there’s a year for hindsight, it’s 2020.

This has, obviously, been an exhausting year already. As others have pointed out, we’re now six months into January, between environmental disasters and political disasters and so forth. It’s a lot, and I encourage everyone to take care of themselves, because as we learn from the airlines, in case of low pressure, put your own mask on first*.

For me, that’s now being in two boardgaming groups, tonight just back from playing Concordia, which is still one of my favorite games I don’t own for the way it all meshes together. Reminds me a bit of Endeavor or AoE III in that regard, which are two games I quite like and do own. On the videogame front I’m still quite enjoying Slay the Spire, which recently added a new class.

For you, I recommend comedy. Naturally, I am biased towards my own stuff, so whether you want to keep hope alive in the new year, or just appreciate some terrible puns, I’ve got you covered. Also as mentioned in the latter column, I got to see the hilarious Maria Bamford perform the other week, and she was absolutely phenomenal. I believe the vast majority of her set is in her newest special “Weakness is the Brand“, so if she’s not touring near you, consider viewing that on the Internets at your earliest convenience for high-quality comedy.

* “You should probably put your mask on, but, y’know, no pressure…”

I am not generally known for either being particularly spiritual nor excessive displays of sentimentality. But this week I found myself thinking about the holiday*, and how some people take holidays very seriously and the word itself is derived from “holy day”, but I’m not big on holidays and don’t think they’re more important than any other day. But that’s because when I stop to think about it, I believe every day is important.**

Perhaps that’s hitting me harder than usual this week because I lost a friend and artist who I had plans to make a book with. But even without the worst of mementos mori***, I try to tell those I love that I appreciate them on a regular basis, to enjoy every day and appreciate the joys of gaming, eating tasty food, performing, or just spending time in good company. I’d say today is an appropriate day to appreciate what you have, but my whole point is that *every* day is an appropriate day to appreciate what you have.

In lighter news****, if you’ve been on the Internet in the past few months, you might appreciate my poetic take on OK, Boomer.

*Thanksgiving, the one on which Christmas declared war.

****Apparently Zippo also makes flasks.