Which is to say, this week I want to share some review and reaction blurbs on my book of short poems, The Disapproval Of My Toaster. Here are some things that readers have said about the book:

“I love your poetry book”

“all too real universal truth about people”

“I really love a lot of them (and don’t hate any!)”

“full of existential dread and maudlin musings”

“I quite like it, like a lot a lot”

“fun and thought provoking”

“This book of poetry, the clever word play, the punch of honesty that cuts into the social structure of our new world of trauma and distance.”

…that make the whole world say, “Wow, Seth, you do not have a good singing voice, maybe you should just write the songs and let someone else sing them.”

Noted. And indeed, that’s what I’ve been doing. Freelancing is always feast or famine, and after a few weeks with hardly any work (during which I finally beat the Witcher 3 DLC, as well as Transistor), the past week or two things have picked up again with an interesting array of gigs, my favorite of which was to write a song parody for a corporate client. Unfortunately, I’m not at liberty to share said parody*, but it did get me in a parody-writing mood which explains my latest song parody column, The Day That Facebook Died.

Other than that, things have continued much the same, with more writing, gaming, and eating tasty food. Sure there are ups (we’ve just started our 14th annual Alphabetic Boardgaming Challenge, where Debbie and I play a boardgame for every letter of the alphabet), and downs (I’m only just recently recovered from a somewhat irksome back injury), but basically I’m still here existing as best I can during a pandemic; hope y’all are managing to do the same.

*Because I’m a ghostwriter you can trust to stay ghosty, which is why you should hire me.

** This isn’t even a real footnote. By reading this, you’re cheating, you cheater. Maybe you should scroll down and buy one of my recent books to restore your honor.

If it seems like I’m not only posting more often than usual, but also releasing cool non-column things more often than usual, you’re not wrong! That’s because the combination pandemic, climate crisis, and political hellscape* has served as a massive memento mori to remind us that tomorrow is in no way guaranteed. So I should probably try to do some of those things I always planned  And thus my past few posts where I’ve finally put out my first book of short poems, and finally put out an eBook version of From God To Verse.

Today I’m also pleased to share another cool non-column thing, which is that one of my stories that I told at a story slam has been animated by Mary over at SketchMyStory, so if you want to see a stick-figure Seth become stranded with an ancient warrior god and tasty baked goods**, you should absolutely check out my episode of SketchMyStory.

Which is not to say I’m not still writing things! Whether it’s satire about America’s foremost Anti-Vax Spokesperson, or my column about the time I accidentally squandered a life-changing opportunity, I continue to put words in order. Now that I’ve released two books in the past two months though, I may calm down again with the publishing. Like my brief spate of submitting poetry to many journals last year, it’s fun to get things published when I’m reminded that life is fleeting, but usually afterwards I realize that life also has no meaning, and that goes double for publishing books.***

But being alive is still great, I absolutely prefer it to the alternative, so to that end… get vaxxed if you haven’t already, wear a mask, avoid crowded indoor spaces, and try to survive the pandemic so we can see how the climate crisis goes!

* I’m at the Pandemic! I’m at the Climate Crisis! I’m at the combination Pandemic and Climate Crisis!

**I mean, if you have to be stranded, I definitely recommend having tasty baked goods.

*** Can you believe that nobody wants to hire me as a motivational speaker?

That is, I suspect, when things will get better. The past month has not been great for me, between the water damage to our home, the resultant heaters in our house during the hottest month of summer, and my injuring my back yesterday to the point where I didn’t get much sleep last night because it still hurts too much. All in all, not the best.

Which is not to say there have been no bright points in the past month. I did start writing satire for a new site called Brain Caffeine, so if you’d like to read some articles with titles like “All State-Mandated COVID Restrictions To End, Announces Governor Leeroy Jenkins” and “World’s Climate Scientists Fucking Told You So“, please do so. Just be aware that compared to my more thoughtful Pun Also Rises columns, these tend to be more of a Hobbesian description of human life.*

But soon — hopefully before the month is up, but definitely by early September — I will have a few more cool things to share with you.

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* They are nasty, brutish, and short.

As a comedy fan, one thing I’ve always noticed is how many comedians get less wacky and more philosophical over time. From George Carlin’s stand-up to Woody Allen’s movies*, you can chart an arc of their career and see how wonderfully silly the early stuff was, and how that slowly morphed into a layer of comedy wrapped around something they wanted to say.

Perhaps it’s because I was born old, but I feel like I’m already there. Sure, I’ll write the occasional humor column that’s pure silliness, like my latest on Cool Tips to Beat the Heat, but more often than not these days I’m writing with something to say. I don’t want to classify this as a personal failing, nor as a good thing; I’m simply noticing that same shift I once lamented in other creators of humor, I’m now noticing in myself, and perhaps at a younger age.

In an effort to keep myself young**, I am still playing video games. Most recently God Eater 3 with a few friends, which is a more casual Monster Hunter that suits me well. I’ve also been playing Sushi Eater every Wednesday when our local sushi joint has 30% off their nigiri menu, which does very little for my fading youth, but is tasty. Oh well, no use carping*** about it.

* not that you should watch any of Woody Allen’s movies, or at least not in a way that benefits him

** in lieu of exercise

*** although I can make puns on any topic, the one topic where I always hesitate is fish, because I always feel like a pale imitation of Kip Addotta’s masterwork Wet Dream.

Sometimes people can be right without being helpful.

When I was younger, people told me that I should appreciate what I have and be more positive, and I’d probably be happier. Well, decades on, an older me very much appreciates what I have and is generally positive, and indeed I am much happier. But it didn’t help when people told me that because a) my childhood was not nearly as pleasant as my life now, and b) gratitude isn’t something you can bully people into.

You can force kids to say thank you, but that’s not gratitude. That’s ritual. Truly appreciating what you have has to come from within, and the more you try to push people into it, the less they are likely to appreciate it. Someone having a tough time does not want to hear “you should appreciate what you have!”. Even if it’s true, saying it is most likely to raise their hackles, when what we all want is lowered hackles*. There are some realizations or mindsets you just have to come to yourself. When everyone told me how to feel, all I felt was annoyed at them and resolved not to do what they want. But eventually life came around, I got older and wiser, and in my own time, began to very much appreciate my life.

So even though I could offer good advice and tell you that appreciation extends to individual relationships, and that appreciating your relationships for what they are rather than being mad at what they’re not will make you a happier and better person**, you have to decide for yourself to appreciate things. Admittedly I have the advantage of not working full-time, and a personal philosophy that combines existentialism with epicureanism. But as the pandemic has served as a mass memento mori, I think it’s a fine time for people to re-evaluate how happy they are with their lives, and if you’re very unhappy, something should change. Maybe it’s your circumstances, maybe it’s you!

I realize this post is light on jokes, so click the linked columns for some funny.

*I’m imagining protest signs reading “Lower Hackles Now!”

**Whereas the inverse oft leads to complaints about friend-zoning and can make you a huffier and bitter person.

One of the downsides of the pandemic times, aside from all the sickness and death, is that it’s very easy to forget how to be a person. I was suffering this especially acutely last night, when in the throes of feeling run-down after my second vaccine shot, I may have exchanged a series of emails with a client culminating in him requesting an invoice for the work I’d just completed and me floundering around feeling embarrassed as I realized that we never actually set a price. Pandemic brain does not help.

This of course raises* the question, “Why on earth would someone trying to market themselves as a high-end professional freelance writer make a public post about forgetting to set a price in an email to a client?” Well, I really don’t mind revealing that I’m a big ol’ imperfect human. I figure as long as my writing is always on-point and on-time, people won’t mind if I’m a ridiculous person with various personal foibles.** Clients are, after all, hiring me for my writing, and not my ability to be suave at a cocktail party. At least, I sure hope so, for their sake***.

If the mantra of last century**** was “the personal is political”, then perhaps this century’s mantra is, “the personal is business”. Of course, it’s always been true that networking exists and people don’t just hire companies, they hire people. But now more than ever, the lines between personal and business have been blurred, smudged, and otherwise all but erased. Social media from people who run a business is always an advertisement, not a person. Lots of people’s business model is selling themselves and their personality, from Twitch streaming to OnlyFans. Today, I read an interesting article about how personal branding ruins people’s lives, and it has only strengthened my resolution to remain a person who happens to be good at writing professionally, rather than a professional writer who is always being a professional writer 24/7.

Coincidentally, I came across that article just days after my latest humor column delved into the importance and difficulty of making human connections, which has of course been especially difficult these past two years. I don’t have a conclusion, per se — another example of being a flawed human who just thinks about things and isn’t always artfully arranging things to neatly support a conclusion, because I’m not paying me enough to do that — but I think especially as the Internet means that we know more and more about people, it would be a terrible mistake to expect/require people to be professional automatons all the time. Being human isn’t a bad thing — even if our new robot overlords may say otherwise.
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* NOTE: It does not beg the question. Begging the question would be assuming the conclusion when arguing your premise. Please do not use “begs the question” when you mean “raises the question”. Yes, I’m pleading here. Don’t question the beg.

** Note here that foibles means, “often does silly things and is occasionally awkward in social situations, as detailed in his columns, poetry, and stand-up”, and not, “is rude to other people and denigrates them based on race/sex/etc.”, the latter of which is not a foible but a severe character defect which is a great reason not to hire someone.

*** Especially if it’s a cocktail party with Japanese rice wine.

**** I mean, it’s still exceedingly relevant here in 2021, as you might suspect from the earlier footnote. I’m just saying it was coined last century.

Did some writing for a freelance client who said he’s been a creative director hiring writers for 20 years, and I’m the best writer he has ever worked with. So that was a pretty nice compliment to hear. It occurs to me that I could re-do my whole website to be more business focused, but so far I don’t wanna. Still, probably worth mentioning that I am for hire as a high-end freelance writer if you need any content made more appealing to an audience.

It also occurred to me last week that it was 20 years ago that I got my first joke printed in the Washington Post’s Style Invitational. The contest was to write a joke that telegraphed the punchline. My entry was something along the lines of:

Samuel Morse’s wife Dorothy asks him, “Do you have any advice for my upcoming 200-meter sprint?” And he replies

I think that joke still holds up, 20 years later. Meanwhile, if you’d like some newer jokes from me, my latest column is about the encroachment of advertisements, and will especially appeal to older folks* who remember the comedy of Bob&Ray, or folks of any age who listen to podcasts.

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* I suppose it’s possible some younger people than me enjoy the comedy of Bob&Ray, but I am unaware of any. If you are one though, kudos on your excellent taste that transcends your chronological limitations!

“I think the loveliest time of the year is the spring. I do, don’t you? ‘Course you do…”

Well, I finally shaved my beard, so it must be spring. At least technically, even though in reality I have no idea how time works anymore. People are finally starting to get their vaccines, which is nice because COVID has made most holidays less exciting. It’d be nice to have a summer BBQ party with friends again, although at this point it’s even odds I’ll just stay home by myself and eat cheese.*

Meanwhilst, I haven’t really played any board games lately, but I’ve been surprisingly busy freelancing, working on some very interesting projects. Don’t worry, I’m not giving anyone financial advice with my complete lack of expertise, just helping people who know more than I do to share their ideas. I recently did my first Zoom comedy show, with my second slated for Thursday, so that’s been a new experience. I enjoyed it a lot more than I thought I would**, but I’ll still be glad when open mics are safe again.

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* Life is gouda.

** A low bar, given that I would rather eat a handful of bugs than sit through an hour-long zoom meeting.***

*** Itself a low bar, since I actually like fried crickets

I don’t necessarily know a lot, but I know myself. Which is how I knew even though I was hyped for a Better New Year in 2021, and told myself I’d get out and walk every day, it turns out I was just celebrating Internal Halloween. The proof is now in the pudding, which I am eating inside instead of walking about in weather with a windchill below zero. Fahrenheit*.

In spite of a busy month, I’ve found time for the occasional game**, but between not getting out to see friends or attend poetry/comedy mics, the past year basically felt like a tread water where I didn’t accomplish much. Then again, as I recently told a friend, I did accomplish neither catching nor spreading COVID-19 so far, which had been my main goal for at least the back half of the year. So I’ll claim victory in that, and bid you all continued good luck in same.

*But Unfairintemp.

**Genshin, Ascension, One more I shouldn’t mention ***

***Ok, it’s Food Or Not.