The Pun Also Rises(as seen in the North Adams Transcript)
"Around the World in 30 Words"March is supposed to come in like a lion and go out like a lamb. But I prefer to think that March comes in like a bear and goes out like an Irishman. Let me explain. They say that the Eskimos have 30 words for snow. And the reason for this is that snow is very important to their culture and life. If you are living in frozen lands as an Eskimo, chances are that you'll constantly be experiencing snow. And while there are other things that you might need words for, such as "Look out for that seal!" or "My snot froze to my upper lip again", the most common thing around is going to be snow. English doesn't have 30 words for snow, even here in the Berkshires. We have a few colorful expressions, such as "It's raining cats and dogs" or "It's hailing taxis" or "It's coming down like President Bush's approval rating". Still, this leaves us with a large gap in our snow-cabulary. While I was in college, I came up with a few words to more accurately describe local snow, which I'll share here. -Sprizzle: This is the tiny, almost non-existent snowish substance that seems powdered atop the real world, like sugar on a donut that you know is going to be all over your clothes for the rest of the day. You can watch sheets of snow blowing across the ground like a giant white sandstorm. Of course, at other times you can watch the snow fly directly into your eyes, down your shirt, and up your nose. -Crounk: Crounk is that kind of snow that's crunchy on the outside but chewy on the inside. Like a taco, only less spicy. You've got the regular powdery snow that's fallen and piled up, but the top has iced over and is a bit shimmery and sparkly. And it looks like you can walk on top of it, but then the surface breaks through and *crounk!* -Splooshdang: A mass of watery slush hidden beneath a layer of innocent-looking snow. Often not identifiable until it's too late. You know what I mean if you've ever said: "Oh, I'll just avoid the icy sidewalk by walking on the sno--" *SPLOOSH!* "Dang." Many sociologists have often said that the best way to understand a culture is to study its language. A language with no word for "war" may belong to a peaceful culture. And a language with 30 words for "cheese" is a culture that appreciates cultures, which I want to join. But we don't have 30 words for snow or cheese. What do we have 30 words for? I'll give you a hint: Tomorrow is St. Patrick's Day. No, it's not leprechaun. A leprechaun is a short, crazed little man with a pot of gold. We only have two words for that, "Leprechaun" and "Ross Perot". St. Patrick's Day isn't really about leprechauns, though. It's about the celebration of something that, like it or not, is a huge part of American culture and often defines our recreation. When Americans go out, by and large, they go out drinking. Tomorrow is one of the year's biggest days for it. But don't just go out and get drunk. You should get blitzed, blotto, bombed, buttered, clobbered, cockeyed, fershnikit, freightyarded, fuddled, hammered, inebriated, intoxicated, loaded, mohawked, nobbied, pickled, pissed, plastered, plowed, potted, ripped, slopped, sloshed, smashed, soused, sozzled, squiffy, stewed, stinko, and tanked. And above all, be careful on the roads. After all, you never know when you'll run into some Splooshdang. ___________________________________ All work on this page is copyright Seth Brown. If you are sharing it, please give attribution. If you want to reprint it, please contact me first. |