The Pun Also Rises(as seen in the North Adams Transcript)
"Pretty Fly For a White Guy"People say that clothes make the man, but the reverse is true. Man makes the clothes. Or in some cases, many small children make the clothes for less than minimum wage. Regardless, it can't be denied that society has a passion for fashion. This obsession with clothes tends to work against me. I am not exactly what you would call a fashion magnate. My wardrobe consists largely of free T-shirts, half of which spontaneously generated themselves. I think the last time I paid for a T-shirt was over three years ago. Interestingly, the last time I was in style was also roughly over three years ago, but it wasn't related to that T-shirt. I have a jean jacket that I used to wear constantly. Friends of mine spent most of the 1990s mocking me for wearing 1980s fashion, and suddenly at the turn of the millennium, fashion had cycled around to the point where denim was in style again. Sadly, it didn't last long, and I kept wearing the jean jacket longer than the rest of the world. Here I was, being lapped by fashion. I've never really understood how the retro fashion knows what time to pull from when. Bellbottoms have come around once or twice, jean jackets were back in style recently... it's even odds whether the zoot suit or the 1800s formal court dress will be the next hot trend. Either way, it's a safe bet I won't be wearing it. It's possible I even have a bit of a reputation for not being fashionable. The closest I get to fashionable is being late. I always hear people say that they want to be fashionably late. I'm not too great at fashion, but I make up for it with my lack of punctuality. "Sorry my clothes aren't in style," I tell my host, "But at least I didn't show up on time when people would have noticed." "Well done," my imagined host might say, "I noticed your ridiculous T-shirt, but appreciate your incredible tardiness." Nobody ever says that, though. They might prefer that rather than be late and dressed in a free T-shirt, I be on time and dressed in a suit. But I don't wear suits. The only time I expect to wear a suit is at my own funeral. And I suppose at that point, people would be correct to describe me as fashionably late. Meanwhile, while I'm alive, my reputation for not being fashionable precedes me. This is why last month, when we heard that some important people from the head office would be visiting my workplace for a meeting, my boss took me aside and asked me to dress up a bit on the day they would arrive. The day came soon enough, and since I knew it wouldn't be appreciated if I were fashionably late for the meeting, I dragged myself out of bed early. I was wearing a nice flannel shirt, nothing too fancy, but it had buttons and a collar, which put it in a class well above the usual T-shirts. (Before reading any further, note to my boss: This is all fictional.)(Note to everyone else: No it's not.) When I entered the office, someone complimented me on my wardrobe. I was still a bit groggy from lack of sleep, but was glad I was making a positive impression. I entered the meeting filled with confidence in my sartorial style, and smiled at the important visitors from the head office. They smiled back, no doubt impressed with my snazzy dressing. After the meeting, I needed a short break, so I decided to go for a walk. It was very cold out, and I found myself surprised by how cold my legs were. I wondered if, perish the thought, I might have a small hole in pants that was letting in extra cold air. So I looked down, and that's when I discovered... that my fly was open. And in fact, had been since I walked into the office. So much for the sultan of sartorial style. Anyway, I had always wondered why they say that clothes make the man, and now I know. It's because people without pants just look ridiculous. ___________________________________ All work on this page is copyright Seth Brown. If you are sharing it, please give attribution. If you want to reprint it, please contact me first. |