The Pun Also Rises

"The Meaning Of Life"

    What is the meaning of life?

    This is a question that I am constantly asking myself, which is probably why I was distracted when you talked to me last time, and I'm sorry for spilling hot chocolate on your foot. But this question is also why I was a philosophy major in college.

    Many of my friends majored in computer science, and now hold high-paying jobs. But I've always believed that philosophy prepares you to ask questions. Given the current job market for philosophy majors, that includes questions like, "Would you like fries with that?" and "Would you prefer paper, or plastic?"

    The answer to the first question is simple: "Only if they're free." The second question, however, is more difficult. Paper bags suggest the cutting down of trees, depleting the world's rainforests, and oxygen supply. Plastic bags are bad for the environment, stay around forever, and may end up killing animals. Paper bags have no handles, so it's harder to carry your groceries. Plastic bags are weak, so it's more likely your bag will break. Paper bags will get wet, and become useless. Plastic bags will get holes in them, and also become useless.

    What we are left with is a question with two different answers, both of which have many bad points. This is the essence of philosophy, and for that matter, of supermarkets.

    Why should we have a moral obligation to follow a categorical imperative? Why should we pass up the chance to buy one and get two free? But why should we buy something we didn't really want just because it's on sale? And why should we let ourselves be constrained by someone else's value system? And why does the checkout line you get in with your groceries always end up moving slower than the other line?

    Questions like these are the reason that North Adams has a supermarket called "The Big Why". At least, it used to be called that; they may have dropped a few letters. They spell it differently ever since Internet chat became popular, because now it's k00l to spl wrdz in a shorter way if U can. In fact, for some kids, chatting with net-wrdz 2 frends is the meaning of life.

    In your advanced years, you may think it obvious that such is not the meaning of life. Well, it may be easy to say "Life's not about that," but it's much harder to say exactly what the meaning of life is. Some people who will try to tell you that it's money, some people will try to tell you that it's love, and some people will try to tell you that it's the property or quality that distinguishes living organisms from dead organisms and inanimate matter, manifested in functions such as metabolism, growth, reproduction, and response to stimuli or adaptation to the environment originating from within the organism.

    Personally, I don't trust the kind of people who would quote the American Heritage Dictionary at you. Love and money seem like good guesses at the meaning of life, if only because the people who are unhappy generally seem to be complaining that they don't have one or the other. But since they are naturally opposed, which one is right? Or, like paper and plastic, are they both bad options?

    The truth of the matter is, we don't know much about life because we can't view it as a whole. It's impossible to truly know what something is until you know where the borders are. We can't know where the borders are until we've surpassed them. And once we've surpassed the borders of life, it's less convenient to share the information. So the meaning of life is like the meaning of this column: By the time you figure it out, it's too late.

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    Seth Brown is a local humor writer whose website is www.RisingPun.com. He has also found the meaning of life, which is

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