The Pun Also Rises

"Thanks For Nothing"

    Banks are weird. If you leave your money there, they'll add to it. My room does the same thing with dust. I do the opposite thing with cheesecake. But unlike my room and I, banks frequently send you letters to let you know what's going on.

    A few years ago, my bank sent me an additional letter along with my checking account information. (Incidentally, I think they call it a checking account because every time I go to pay someone, first I have to check if I have enough money in the account.) This letter informed me of the status of my second loan. Which was informative to me, because I had thought the lone loan I had with this bank was my mortgage.

    I went through a few stages of emotional reaction. First I was confused. Why was I getting a letter about a loan? What could prompt this? Where were my slippers? Then I was worried. Would I have to pay for this? How could I fight a false loan alone? Then I got angry. Who had authorized this loan on my account? How dare they charge me for a loan I had never requested? Khan!!!!

    I was infuriated, and resolved to contact them at once. I would clear the matter up, and although I was afraid to look at how much I supposedly owed them, I was going to have to find out, so I could call them and explain it had all been a terrible mistake, and then demand my money back.

    There was only one problem: When I looked at the amount of the loan, it appeared to be for zero dollars and zero cents. I presumed I was looking at the wrong line, so I looked at the current amount due: $0.00. Then I looked at the amount past due: $0.00. The minimum due: $0.00, late charges: $0.00, finance charges: $0.00. As far as I could tell, the paper confirmed that I owed them nothing. And although the interest on my loan was listed as a hefty 18.00%, 18% of nothing is nothing. I threw the paper away and figured it had been a random one-time mailing in error.

    I was wrong. I soon got another update on my loan. It showed that while the last statement balance had been $0.00, I now owed them a compounded total of $0.00, and was instructed to pay them the current minimum balance of $0.00. This I also discarded. Over the following months, I would receive continuous updates on my zero cent loan, and letters strongly suggesting that I pay up.

    When I was growing up, a friend of my father's had given me the advice, "Don't borrow nothin' from people, or they'll bother ya about it forever." In the foolishness of youth, I had presumed that he was using a double negative, and had meant to say "Don't borrow anything from people." But in hindsight, it becomes clear that he was being quite precise. I had borrowed nothing, and now I was paying the price.

    For years, I despaired of ever ridding myself of these letters. They would arrive regularly, demanding that I owed $0.00. How could I possibly pay them? After all, if I paid nothing, I would still owe it. There was literally nothing to be done; we were at a standstill.

    But all loans must eventually be called in. And indeed, last week I received the most threatening letter yet from my bank. It began, "This is notification that this payment is coming due according to the terms specified below...", and went on to detail the many ways in which I owed $0.00. I kept doing what I'd been doing for years; I ignored it and paid nothing.

    Only this time, it must have worked. Two days later, I finally got a letter congratulating me on paying off my loan. So I've learned my lesson. This afternoon, a co-worker came up and stood next to my desk without saying anything. I asked her, "What do you want?" She said, "Nothing."

    I got up and ran away as fast as I could.

    Seth Brown is a local humor writer who banks on people's interest in his bizarre life. His website is www.RisingPun.com

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