The Pun Also Rises

"33 Resolutions Per Minute"

    The year 2005 approaches, which means that many of us will soon be making unreasonable pronouncements of self-improvement for the coming year. New Year's resolutions (from the Latin "reso lutos" or "blatant lies") are a fine tradition, but I call them unreasonable mainly because we resolve that we will do certain things, certain things which past experience teaches us that we are not very likely to do. If you, like me, haven't managed to start any sort of fitness regimen in the past 25 years, then it's highly unlikely that you'll suddenly become a dedicated workout fanatic simply because it's 2005. Even if you have resolved to do so.

    Again.

    Now there are a few people out there who can decide that they will embark upon a much better life in the coming year and actually do so, but these people are clearly from Nebulax 7. For the rest of us earthlings, chances are, we're used to the fact that most of what we so boldly proclaim at the beginning of January will be proven false before February ends. But 2005 can be different. No, not because I'm going to teach you any tricks to improve your willpower or self-discipline. If I knew how to do that, I'd be busy teaching me. What I can do, however, is show you how to successfully fulfill your resolutions through lenient interpretations.

    This year, you should resolve to:

* Lose 20 pounds

    This is ideally accomplished by going to one of London's fine casinos and betting on black 17 like James Bond. Just don't expect to win like James Bond, which is okay since your goal was to lose the 20 pounds anyway. If you can't afford that, or have foolishly specified losing 20 pounds of weight in your resolution, you can misplace a pair of your 10-pound dumbells.

* Make a million

    As you may already know if your uncle lives in Madagascar, the American dollar is worth over 9,000 Madagascar francs. This means that if you manage to earn $112 next year, you'll make a million Madagascar francs.

    Impress your friends by not only vowing to make a million, but to do so by the end of January.

* Spend more time at the gym

    After all, sitting around there means that you might get to see some attractive people in tight clothing. If that doesn't interest you, many gyms have TVs over the treadmills. Go in, sit down, and try to catch your favorite sitcom.

* Spend more time with family

    If not your North Adams family, perhaps the Addams Family. Or HBO Family. Or the Family Channel. TV is a perfectly acceptable stand-in for people, as we learned from "Friends." Best of all, you can watch it at the gym.

* Spend less time arguing

    Instead, just yell "I'm right and you're wrong!" at the top of your lungs, and then storm off. This saves time for everyone involved by avoiding lengthy discussion, resolution, etc.

* Turn the other cheek

    If someone hits you, don't hit them back. It's much classier to drop your pants and moon them, as suggested in the Bible.

* Become closer to God

    God is high up, so the easiest way to get close to him is to jump. If you can't jump very high, jump more often to make up for it. Stand on desks whenever you are in an office, and always take stairs and elevators to the top floor.

* Say "please" and "thank you" more often

    But say them sincerely as opposed to sarcastically? Oh, please. So, that's my advice for New Year's resolutions. And if you don't think I have good ideas, then thank you.

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    Seth Brown is a local freelance humor writer who has resolved to keep changing the first line of his bio. He appears frequently in the Washington Post's Style Invitational, and his first book "Think You're The Only One?" was recently published by Barnes & Noble. His website is www.RisingPun.com

All work on this page is copyright Seth Brown. If you are sharing it, please give attribution. If you want to reprint it, please contact me first.