Various Happenstances of Seth

June 28, 2006

   My hamster raps.

   Let me back up a bit. In case you are unfamiliar, I have a lovely rapping hamster that was given to me years ago by a friend. She even hand-made a gangsta T-shirt for him, yo.* Anyway, a few years later, I heard this fantastic rap group called Blackalicious, and had my hamster apply. This month, Ham-STAR hit the big time, with two songs on Rhyme Torrents, not to mention his cut on the Nerdcore For Life posse track. And there are even rumors of upcoming press for Rhyme Torrents. I won't bother describing the rest in detail, because I already did so in a column.

   And this, I'm realizing, is the problem with my blog. When I get good ideas**, I tend to want to put them into columns. This happened not only with the tale of Ham-STAR, but also with my most recent column, about the loan for nothing. I was all set to write a blog entry for it, and then I realized it would be over three paragraphs, so at that point I could just stretch it out and get paid for it. Granted, it's a very small amount of money, but it's still more than you're paying me. Besides, there are so many blogs on the Internet that one is never sure if anyone is reading.

   But a few weeks back I went to a college reunion, and saw all of my old colleges. The hardest part was having all of those buildings meeting inside of one person. Anyway, someone mentioned that he read my blog, so I realized I'd better at least maintain the one-update-a-month pace I've set for myself. To be fair, bleach your hair. No, to be fair, I am doing newscasts every week, so it's not as if you have nowhere to turn for constant comedic content.

   Nonetheless, by reading this you are inherently better than people who just read my columns, where by "better" I mean "more willing to hear about random crap from my life that might not be suitable for a newspaper column." So, here's the quick recap. I left the reunion literally minutes before dinner was served, to rush off to a literary event where I was commissioned to read a poem. While there, I saw an old English professor. Upon his arrival, I said, "Shepard this man in!" When he complimented me on my poem (a parody of Poe's "The Bells"), I said, "Thanks for the raven reviews." Perhaps this is why he tends to look down at me with a pained expression.

   And speaking of pain, the following weekend I took a trip to Boston, where I broke my toe. How did I break my toe? Well, a trip in Boston. But while doing what? Typing accident? Tripped on the way to dinner? Surely, you say, Seth couldn't have been undergoing any strenuous physical activity? Well, as a matter of fact, yes. I was playing Ultimate Frisbee with a few friends in Boston. And I suck. In fact, I sucked so bad, that I could well be likened to a vaccuum. And there, right beneath my feet, was Nature. Nature abhors a vaccuum, and so she struck out at my toe with the ground. And Ouch.***

   Also, the bus I took to Boston broke down along the way. But I've just realized that I could probably squeeze a column out of that, and I'll need one in a few days. So nevermind about that just yet. But go listen to my newscasts and my rapping hamster. And thanks for reading.




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*Perhaps Spanish is the opposite of Gangsta, because Spanish sentences tend to start with yo. Or maybe Spanish gangsters just like palindromic sentences: "Yo tengo el dinero por dinero el tengo, yo." Though I guess that's only palindromic by word, not letter. Jewish Gangstas, now they use palindromes: "Oy, race fast, safe car, yo." Or Spanish Jews: "Yo mom, oy!" Actually, given the insult, that's probably a Spanish Jewish Gangsta. Speaking of Yo Mama jokes (and why wouldn't you?), I won an insult contest last week with, "Yo mama is so fat, Galactus saw her and said, 'Can I get a doggie bag?' "

**Which I guess is pretty much every second of the day. Cursive typewriter! Fried Cheesecake on a stick! Ziplock garbage bags! Feed babies to alligators! Plate with tiny catapult section to toss food into your mouth! Baby and alligator kebabs!

***Oy, yo.

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