Various Happenstances of Seth
June 28, 2006
My hamster raps.
Let me back up a bit. In case you
are unfamiliar, I have a lovely rapping hamster that was given to
me years ago by a friend. She even hand-made a gangsta T-shirt for
him, yo.* Anyway, a few years later, I heard this
fantastic rap group called Blackalicious, and had
my hamster apply. This month, Ham-STAR hit the big time, with
two songs on Rhyme Torrents,
not to mention his cut on the Nerdcore For Life posse track. And
there are even rumors of upcoming press for Rhyme Torrents. I won't
bother describing the rest in detail, because I already did so in
And this, I'm realizing, is the
problem with my blog. When I get good ideas**,
I tend to want to put them into columns. This happened not only
with the tale of Ham-STAR, but also with my most recent column,
about the loan for nothing. I was all set to write a blog entry
for it, and then I realized it would be over three paragraphs, so
at that point I could just stretch it out and get paid for it. Granted,
it's a very small amount of money, but it's still more than you're
paying me. Besides, there are so many blogs on the Internet that
one is never sure if anyone is reading.
But a few weeks back I went to a
college reunion, and saw all of my old colleges. The hardest part
was having all of those buildings meeting inside of one person.
Anyway, someone mentioned that he read my blog, so I realized I'd
better at least maintain the one-update-a-month pace I've set for
myself. To be fair, bleach your hair. No, to be fair, I am doing
every week, so it's not as if you have nowhere to turn for constant
Nonetheless, by reading this you
are inherently better than people who just read my columns, where
by "better" I mean "more willing to hear about random
crap from my life that might not be suitable for a newspaper column."
So, here's the quick recap. I left the reunion literally minutes
before dinner was served, to rush off to a literary event where
I was commissioned to read a poem. While there, I saw an old English
professor. Upon his arrival, I said, "Shepard this man in!"
When he complimented me on my poem (a parody of Poe's "The
Bells"), I said, "Thanks for the raven reviews."
Perhaps this is why he tends to look down at me with a pained expression.
And speaking of pain, the following
weekend I took a trip to Boston, where I broke my toe. How did I
break my toe? Well, a trip in Boston. But while doing what? Typing
accident? Tripped on the way to dinner? Surely, you say, Seth couldn't
have been undergoing any strenuous physical activity? Well, as a
matter of fact, yes. I was playing Ultimate Frisbee with a few friends
in Boston. And I suck. In fact, I sucked so bad, that I could well
be likened to a vaccuum. And there, right beneath my feet, was Nature.
Nature abhors a vaccuum, and so she struck out at my toe with the
ground. And Ouch.***
Also, the bus I took to Boston broke
down along the way. But I've just realized that I could probably
squeeze a column out of that, and I'll need one in a few days. So
nevermind about that just yet. But go listen to my newscasts and
my rapping hamster. And thanks for reading.
*Perhaps Spanish is the opposite of Gangsta,
because Spanish sentences tend to start with yo. Or maybe Spanish
gangsters just like palindromic sentences: "Yo tengo el dinero por
dinero el tengo, yo." Though I guess that's only palindromic by
word, not letter. Jewish Gangstas, now they use palindromes: "Oy,
race fast, safe car, yo." Or Spanish Jews: "Yo mom, oy!"
Actually, given the insult, that's probably a Spanish Jewish Gangsta.
Speaking of Yo Mama jokes (and why wouldn't you?), I won an insult
contest last week with, "Yo mama is so fat, Galactus saw her
and said, 'Can I get a doggie bag?' "
**Which I guess is pretty much every second
of the day. Cursive typewriter! Fried Cheesecake on a stick! Ziplock
garbage bags! Feed babies to alligators! Plate with tiny catapult
section to toss food into your mouth! Baby and alligator kebabs!
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